Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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