Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
