everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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