if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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