i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
