1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
