Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
