I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
