apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
