So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
