remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
