There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
