In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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