Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
