i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Who did Billy Mays play for?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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