whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
