And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
