I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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