dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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