I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
