hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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