I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
