you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I want a musical about memes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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