My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
