New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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