my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
