totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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