I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
