just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
