If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
