did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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