you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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