just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
