we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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