he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
