my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
