I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
