Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
