i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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