plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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