2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
from now on my penis is your penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
