david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
