I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
