I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I will pee on everything he values.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
