I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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