shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
