I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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