I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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