i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
