I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
