I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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