You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
